Hearts - Hard & Otherwise - December 10, 2019

Sometimes I despair of ever finding my voice in art. There are things I love - houses, hearts, abstracts, color fields, thick lines - but I don't know how to put them all together in my own way. I see art I like and think "I could do that!" but then I don't want to do that because then I'm copying. How do you know when it's your own vs. something you're channeling from someone else? I've been searching for my voice for my whole life. It feels like it's on the tip of my tongue, or the dream I just can't remember when I wake up.

A volunteer at the library was wearing this t-shirt that had 9 hearts on it in a grid with words written on one side of the hearts. It looked like something I would do or had done. That's what this little painting is exploring. 

There's not much energy in me tonight. For several months now, I've had a lot of pain in my face/jaw/teeth. Neither the dentist nor the doctor could find anything wrong. Then on Thanksgiving I found a problem in my mouth. I went to urgent care the next day and was prescribed antibiotics. Today I went to the dentist and the problem was finally visible on x-rays (and in my mouth - in spite of a complete course of antibiotics). It will be taken care of next week. This resolution made me emotionally exhausted.

I'm sad about my teeth - they've always been the thorn in my side no matter how I try to care for them. Someday I'll find out I was causing myself the harm all along and just never knew it (remember lead paint on baby cribs and asbestos in our walls?). Regardless, I look forward to being out of pain.

Speaking of pain, someone in my family surprised me before Thanksgiving with severing our relationship permanently for something inconsequential (really, it was - the box of See's candy I gave them wasn't completely full - but there was a reason for it!). It was a strange sensation - there was relief. My obligation to them was over and I could breathe - for the first time in my life.

I have been thinking about it since it happened and am in wonder at how different the world looks now. This person had been a huge Huge HUGE darkness in my life as far back as I can remember and now that that darkness is gone, I can see so much.

The relationship ending is nothing I ever would have imagined in my life - I've always tried (in my mind, at least) to be a good family member. My religion teaches that family is the most important unit and that families are forever. I've allowed people to treat me in ways that I endured because that seemed the right thing to do. 

I'm so glad they are gone. And I feel guilty. And I feel clean. And I can breathe.

And I wonder if I can keep it this way - even if they want back in my life. Because I don't know that I want them and their darkness. (I'm not mad at them - I'm really not - is that possible?)

I also want to know how to paint that color in the cloud I saw as I came out of work the other day. 


Holly said…
Now if we can figure out how to stop them from coming back.


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