Paralyzed From the Brain Down - April 3, 2020

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To say the past weeks have been weird is an understatement. I have been trying to work from home, but it's difficult. What's worse is that I'm home more, but am completely unable to paint! I'm paralyzed and I can't figure out what's wrong. My husband says all psychological problems are inherently fixable if you can articulate what the problem is. So when I can't articulate it, I feel worse, like it's only ME standing in the way of feeling better. If only I were smarter.
One fun thing is that my siblings and I are all talking more online. Yesterday we had the best conversation because one never-available-when-we-group-call sibling actually took part! Unfortunately, they also got mad when I took a (lot) screenshots. I touched up one of the screenshots to show how they should really feel about me. 

I'm thinking of downloading some filters for my next meeting at work and looking like the potato lady I can't stop laughing at this picture. 

And laugh…

These are My Entree Days- January 19, 2020

 Ultramarine turquoise is beautiful.


I've always loved the phrase "salad days" from Shakespeare. It means those days of one's life characterized by youth, innocence & inexperience & "green judgment".



After the salad comes the entree. I'm in the entree days of my life. Lately, I've had meat. Hearty grains. Healthy vegetables & fruit. And mashed potatoes & gravy. After so many years of darkness & confusion, there have been more than tiny moments. There have been days, weeks, and now, months where I'm experiencing so much growth. I'm happy. I'm thankful. I feel like I'm GETTING IT.


In Sunday School today, we were studying Lehi's dream. Although I've heard the story a million times, the teacher asked us about the symbols in the dream. I know those, so I thought it was going to be a snoozer of a lesson, until we went a little more in depth. The tree is the love of God (yada yada yada) and the fruit of the tree is joy the Atonement. Wait, what? The Atonement? The idea that we can repent & get a second chance & be clean from our past is the greatest gift we can receive and THAT is what the fruit of the tree symbolizes.


I know that feeling. I have been under a cloud for most of my life and have just recently been seeing chinks of light. I know that relief of being unburdened - not because I've done anything really wrong, but because I don't FEEL wrong anymore. It's hard to explain and I'm not sure I really want to. Needless to say, I feel good and I've never felt "good" before.


The funny thing is that it's been a gradual growth and not just one thing has put me where I am. For the first time in my life I feel confident about the future and more sure about the direction I'm going and my purpose.


So, do I do art because I feel better or do I feel better because I do art? Do I understand the scriptures and have more insights because I'm studying more/differently/better or because of combinations of a bazillion things?

In a way, I don't really care because I'm in a good place. Bad things can and will happen, but I'm on a much surer footing than I have been. I may not feel this sure when bad things come, but I don't think that darkness will be the same. I'm better prepared and I do not need to be afraid.

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