Paralyzed From the Brain Down - April 3, 2020

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To say the past weeks have been weird is an understatement. I have been trying to work from home, but it's difficult. What's worse is that I'm home more, but am completely unable to paint! I'm paralyzed and I can't figure out what's wrong. My husband says all psychological problems are inherently fixable if you can articulate what the problem is. So when I can't articulate it, I feel worse, like it's only ME standing in the way of feeling better. If only I were smarter.
One fun thing is that my siblings and I are all talking more online. Yesterday we had the best conversation because one never-available-when-we-group-call sibling actually took part! Unfortunately, they also got mad when I took a (lot) screenshots. I touched up one of the screenshots to show how they should really feel about me. 

I'm thinking of downloading some filters for my next meeting at work and looking like the potato lady I can't stop laughing at this picture. 

And laugh…

Saturday, November 16, 2019

Reading & Learning:

Trying to learn.

There's so much to unlearn. It's hard learning to see something you've not recognized for what it is. That's a life lesson there.

Watching (& learning): Lesson 1 pt.5 of Danielle Donaldson's Spirit Mama class. Cristall Harper had something interesting she said in an article the SLTrib did on her art journey (silly phrase):
“I was, like, I’m just going to work hard. I’m going to hustle. 
I’m going to do the time,” she remembers. 
“I don’t care how long it takes. I’m not in a hurry.”

I'm not in a hurry? HA! I'm always in a hurry, worried I've wasted too much time getting from A to A.b. 

Harper said she “always expected to make it. 
But the surprise was the subject matter that took off. 
I never set out thinking, ‘I’m going to paint dogs because people love them.’”

That's an interesting thing - she didn't know what her "thing" was going to be. I've been chasing for the answer to "my style" since BYU - the teachers couldn't answer it then and I'm still trying to answer it. I think the answer is "you'll find out in time if you put in the time." Maybe it will surprise me. 

I draw/paint houses. I wish I could paint people but my efforts look so cartoony that I get discouraged. I need to push through discouragement!

“It’s an accumulation of me resisting the temptation to take 
every damn workshop offered and saying, ‘No, I’m 
going to figure this out in the isolation and 
safety of my studio without having another artist 
teach me how he paints, and then I copy him,’” she said. 
“Authenticity is critical.”

Hmm... I am concerned about authenticity, too, but also need to learn some basic skills I lack with watercolor: mostly how to glaze. There's a richness and depth that I miss out on, trying to put down that exact color on the first try. Maybe I need to think of it like glass instead of a wall.

Listening: nothing today. Brian was really mad at me tonight and it took the wind out of my sails.

Playing: I went out with Brian for community day. I didn't want to go and wanted to go. If I don't spend time with him and he dies suddenly, will I regret not spending time with him? What about my own goals? Should I always put them off? What's best out of the good, better & best choices?

Eating: We had two turkeys in the freezer and might get another the day before Thanksgiving. I thawed it out all week in the fridge and then brined it today and roasted it. It was done, but it was dry. And I don't like turkey. Tonight I decided that I'm not making turkey again. We can give all the turkeys away. I like chicken. Glenda suggested I turn it into soup - that might work!

Scripture study: this morning I read something interesting in Alma 41: 7 These are they that are redeemed of the Lord; yea, these are they that are taken out, that are delivered from that endless night of darkness; and thus they stand or fall; for behold, they are their own judges, whether to do good or do evil.

I think that's interesting. We decide our own judgment based on the choices we are making now.

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