Paralyzed From the Brain Down - April 3, 2020

To say the past weeks have been weird is an understatement. I have been trying to work from home, but it's difficult. What's worse is that I'm home more, but am completely unable to paint! I'm paralyzed and I can't figure out what's wrong. My husband says all psychological problems are inherently fixable if you can articulate what the problem is. So when I can't articulate it, I feel worse, like it's only ME standing in the way of feeling better. If only I were smarter.
One fun thing is that my siblings and I are all talking more online. Yesterday we had the best conversation because one never-available-when-we-group-call sibling actually took part! Unfortunately, they also got mad when I took a (lot) screenshots. I touched up one of the screenshots to show how they should really feel about me. 

I'm thinking of downloading some filters for my next meeting at work and looking like the potato lady I can't stop laughing at this picture. 

And laugh…

Eating at Me

From a blog I read:

then i gave up sugar.
and i had to rethink everything i ate.
i would be hungry and have to figure out what to eat and nothing sounded good because
i only ate sugary things before.
(before means for 34 years i would eat sweet stuff all day long)
then i would have to decide if i was really even hungry.
then the next thought was "why am i hungry?"

i realized that whenever i have an emotion that is remotely strong...bad OR good....
having five kids leads to many strong feelings in one hour let alone a day or a week.

a few weeks ago i was alone in the car and i said out loud
"UGH! my mom was right!"
(my mom is soooo happy right now reading that i am sure!)

I realized that my life IS stressful...not anymore than most people's but's stressful.
and i had been eating all the stress.
if i felt anything i would eat.
then the feeling would go away somewhat.
i would feel more calm and regulated emotionally.
so now that i was not eating sugar....
i was feeling all these feelings because there was nothing to eat!

it was a light bulb oprah likes to call it.
(oprah really is like a household name...i can't remember my life before she was around??? ha!)

God wants me to feel those feelings. (hey wait...oprah didn't tell me that!)
they are there for a reason.
not because He wants me to be sad...but because i need to work on giving myself to HIM over and over.
and ignoring the feelings by eating them away (so to speak) is wrong.
when i feel that frustration...that emotion...and i want it to go away...i have a choice.
do i deal with it or stuff it down somewhere with a snack?
do i pray about it? do i think about it? or just pretend it's not there and eat something?

I want to think about this, but, more than that, I want it to enlighten me.

I do this, too... Sure wish I didn't, but it's bigger than I am right now.


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