Paralyzed From the Brain Down - April 3, 2020

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To say the past weeks have been weird is an understatement. I have been trying to work from home, but it's difficult. What's worse is that I'm home more, but am completely unable to paint! I'm paralyzed and I can't figure out what's wrong. My husband says all psychological problems are inherently fixable if you can articulate what the problem is. So when I can't articulate it, I feel worse, like it's only ME standing in the way of feeling better. If only I were smarter.
One fun thing is that my siblings and I are all talking more online. Yesterday we had the best conversation because one never-available-when-we-group-call sibling actually took part! Unfortunately, they also got mad when I took a (lot) screenshots. I touched up one of the screenshots to show how they should really feel about me. 

I'm thinking of downloading some filters for my next meeting at work and looking like the potato lady I can't stop laughing at this picture. 

And laugh…

Frustration

Sometimes there are just so many things I want to do that I get frustrated. There is only so much time in the day and the majority of it is taken up with work. I think it's because the past two days have been spent interviewing librarians for two positions we have here in our system (including one at my branch). Work piles up at my branch and I get met practically at the door with every problem that's occurred during my absence. Sometimes walking through the door is like passing through the gauntlet. Or drinking from a fire hydrant. Either one is death.

The things I would rather be doing don't include anything to do with the library, but they are inspired by my working in a library. Several months (maybe even a couple of years) ago, I came up with an idea to pursue with my painting. I love orthogons - the divisions of space that bring balance and order to the composition of a painting. I came up with an idea to paint pictures of books - lining up on shelves or laying in piles or, or, or! I could play with the idea of size of book, with the placement on the shelf, leaning or straight, piled or standing. To say nothing about color or additions of words/decorations (that would only be done in bits and pieces - nothing to overwhelm the initial design of the piece).

But after a long day of work, commuting, picking up kids, fixing dinner, interacting with kids, cleaning kitchen, baths, bedtimes, etc. I am tired. Not just physically, either. It's a case of the spirit is willing, but the flesh is completely incapable.

Tired. Sometimes I want to have a minute to get my brain back and do something to make my heart come alive. For now, though, I have to go take care of the baby...

Comments

*sigh* You said it all, only I dream about neat little stitches, stitched in relaxed quiet next to a steaming cup of tea...then reality hits and I'm fending off toddlers, helping with homework, making dinner... It makes us strong though, right? All these demands on time and self?
Heather Eddy said…
Lisa - you are right about it making us strong. I suppose the difficult part is that we can't see how we've become strong until the growing part is over. And your stitches are neat - all sizes of them!

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