Paralyzed From the Brain Down - April 3, 2020

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To say the past weeks have been weird is an understatement. I have been trying to work from home, but it's difficult. What's worse is that I'm home more, but am completely unable to paint! I'm paralyzed and I can't figure out what's wrong. My husband says all psychological problems are inherently fixable if you can articulate what the problem is. So when I can't articulate it, I feel worse, like it's only ME standing in the way of feeling better. If only I were smarter.
One fun thing is that my siblings and I are all talking more online. Yesterday we had the best conversation because one never-available-when-we-group-call sibling actually took part! Unfortunately, they also got mad when I took a (lot) screenshots. I touched up one of the screenshots to show how they should really feel about me. 

I'm thinking of downloading some filters for my next meeting at work and looking like the potato lady I can't stop laughing at this picture. 

And laugh…

Noise

In CS Lewis' The Screwtape Letters there is a quote that I'd like to talk about:

Music and silence - how I detest them both! 
How thankful we should be that ever since our Father entered Hell ... 
no square inch of infernal space and no moment of infernal time 
has been surrendered to either of those abominable forces, 
but all has been occupied by Noise -  
Noise! the grand dynamism, the audible expression of all 
that is exultant, ruthless, and virile - 
Noise! which alone defends us from silly qualms, despairing scruples, 
and impossible desires. 
We will make the whole universe a noise in the end ... 
The melodies and silences of Heaven will be shouted down in the end.


I am embattled by noise and have been my entire life. The noise of everyday sinks into my very skin and I stink of it. It worms its way into my mind and shouts so loud I cannot sleep. Even now, it's nearly midnight and my psyche is so wound up that sleep will only come when I am so exhausted that I can't keep myself upright.

My worry is that I am not stronger than the noise. That's why this little picture (can't find any source!) jumped out at me on Pinterest the other day.


So while I sit here, the noise screaming in my head that I'm not good enough for ... anything ... I need to give place for the smallest thought that, maybe, I am.

Positive affirmations, mindfulness, meditation, and prayer have all been tried with varying amounts of success in stilling the waters, but quiet eludes me. If only I could have just a few minutes with God so He could tell me everything was all right.

God's voice can still the screaming. I can be lead to peace. He can reassure me. My mind can be enlightened. I can hear encouragement and be comforted. My spirit can be calmed.  I can feel relief from condemnation.

Oh, listen. It's not so noisy anymore...

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